I am a single woman in my late 20’s! There, I said it! Actually I have been single since December 2009 meaning this is my fourth year as a single woman hence making me some kind of expert in whatever field this is. In those four years, I have met all kinds of men, in my search for love. Some of these meetings ended up in meaningless flings that left me wondering why dating is so hard, others left me broke and emotionally broken and while others had the emotional turmoil result of leaving me feel scared and vulnerable. Any single girl in the dating world can tell you that it can be a nightmare. This quest to find love is definitely not for the faint hearted.
As a self-proclaimed expert single woman, there are a few things that I have learned in these four years. As all experts do, (yes ill keep referring to myself as an expert!) I will share some of my tips to help those venturing into this new field to avoid some of the disastrous mistakes that I have made.
The good men won’t always be around
I met a great man last year. I thought he was amazing. However, at that time, I was caught up in disastrous fling as a result of online dating. I will admit it, the person I was with (the online dude) had moments that made him look like quite the catch. Well that was before the lies crumpled all around him. In my assumed romance, I let a good man pass me by. By the time I was waking up from my nightmare, another woman had already snatched him up. Lucky gal, oh how I envy her! I don’t know if that train has left the station for good but if it ever comes around again, am getting on it this time!
Sometimes you need to actually open your eyes and see that the good man has been right there with you all along. You just need to realize it. He was there when you were busy chasing the bad boys and looking for some excitement. He was there when that Taye Diggs lookalike came around and blinded you with his dazzling smile, abs and muscles and confused you so much that you didn’t get to realize how lame he was. The good guy was there when you cried because of that douche-bag you call a boyfriend treated you wrong.
“Girl I understand you loyal to ya man
And that’s alright aww baby
But that dont change the fact
That you fine and you stay crying every night nah baby
Girl you got to let him know
You can’t live like this no more
Can’t you see
Together you and me could be so special ah baby” My baby by Bow Wow Feat Jagged Edge
That man you friend zoned because he doesn’t look like Bradd Pitt in Troy (ok, lets just be honest, how awesome was Brad in that loin cloth plus the abs ulalala”. Okay back to what I was saying, that man you friend zoned because he was too available and always there for you (why do we women take that for granted at times). That man you friend zoned because he is a geek, too boring or simply doesn’t make you go gugu gaga with his antics. That friend you refuse to see as anything more may be the good man that you let slip through your fingers and will regret later. I have been guilty of all these things but I have learned my lessons, those good men, will not be there forever waiting for you to get your act together.
Thank you Jesus! I am engaged!
Many are the times when we remember to involve God only when the big things happen to us, the big job or in this case, the engagement ring. I have been guilty of this. Recently, a workmate who is so happy and so in love shared a wonderful testimony with me. She had found her Mr. Right and they were already talking about a life together. One thing that really impressed me about the relationship is the involvement of God. She told me that she had been praying about the kind of man she wanted. God gave her all that in the man she found. Together, they have been building a Christian relationship, praying together, going to church together. I really liked that.
It got me thinking, well I have never prayed about the kind of man I want. Hell I am not even sure if I know what I want. If you ask me right now, ill go with a “nice guy” or currently, I am really into “the man who can pay his own bills” but that is not specific enough. I have never really involved God in my dating life. May be that is what I have been through so many disasters these past few dates.
From now on, I will be praying for the man I want. In addition, I hope whoever I date next will have God in his life and that way we can build a relationship around our faith. I will not wait for that proposal before going down on my knees and involving God!
Dating to fill emptiness
Recently, there is a wise woman who told me that you should not date simply because of there being an emptiness that you need someone else to fulfill. There are times when you start dating simply because you are bored. You are bored with being alone and not having someone to do stuff with and visit places. Well apparently that is actually not a good reason to date. Shocker!
You shouldn’t also date simply because you want someone to make you feel good about yourself and remind you of how beautiful you are. You do not need to be loved so as to feel okay. You need to be complete, discover self-love and stop relying on people to affirm your awesomeness. Those relationships never work.
You also can’t date someone just because you need someone to help you out in life. Maybe you just need a place to stay and so you figure that you can move in with a girlfriend and hence have a home. This is unacceptable. Gold diggers beware! You cannot start dating just because you need someone to pay your bills, or take care of your financial needs hence give you financial stability.
This crazy thing called dating!
Do not do this! I repeat, online dating is a bad idea. I joined a site for women who share stories about the douche bags that they have dated and one thing that almost 80% of us had in common is the online platform. This could be men who we had met on dating sites, facebook or whichever online forum.
Last year I decided to try out online dating because I was too lazy to have a social life or go out and meet guys. The result of this was a 6 months nightmare attempt at dating. It was horrible. One thing about online dating is that people lie. There are way too many fake profiles. That 35year old doctor that you are excited to meet may actually turn out to be a 64 year old witchdoctor from Naija. That mature man that you met may actually turn out to be a 20 year old lesbian trying out a new life online. I think some people lie so often that they even confuse themselves about their own identity and the end result is a psychopath always trying to cover up his lies. Some scary shit right thurr I tell you! Lies lies are all I got from online dating.
There are crazies online. I am talking CRAZIES! Not cute CM Punk crazies but coo coo crazy. I remember one of the first guys I talked to online, seemed normal. He was 34 so I thought he was mature. Oh how I was wrong. We chatted for a while before switching numbers. When we finally did, he called me and I remember we talked on the phone for about 10 minutes. Immediately, after that, I got an “I love you”, “I would like to marry you” and “I can’t wait to kiss you”. Well I know my voice be kicking ass when it comes to awesomeness but honestly, ten minutes chat and then marriage proposal. He then went on to ask me if I was ready to meet his mum, by the way, this was all before we had even gone on a single date. He even starts telling me about his home, his community (we come from different communities), their cultures and what to expect when I get married. He then asks me to accompany him to his moms in two weeks. Wow talk about a fast first date! Of course, I turned him down but still I crept out.
Although there was one exception to this, I actually made a friend from the dating site. He turned out to be exactly who he said he was. We have remained friends till now. Not all men with an online profile are douche bags but I think most are. Needless to say, that is one place I will never go again.
Dating can be expensive
I think I have talked of male gold diggers in my blog before but yeah those there. Do not for a second assume that Jamie Foxx (is it just me or did he look super hot in Django!) was talking about women only in gold digger.
“He takes my money when am in need, oh he is a trifflin’ friend in deed, oh he is a gold digger, high all the time….I ain’t saying he is a gold digger, but he ain’t messing with no broke sisters”.
There are men who are comfortable with being supported. They do not pay for dates, matatu transport or anything. In addition, they borrow loans from you which they will not repay. Those gold diggers!Why am i still single in my late 20s, well….i am still not sure!