On Wednesday evening, my world was crushed. I signed in to facebook only to get a message from an old friend. A good friend of mine was dead. At first, I thought it was a mistake. Part of me knew that it was true but another part rejected the news. I wept like I have never done before. I cried not only because my friend is gone but also because of the many regrets that I have. On the same evening, I finally got more details. He was found murdered in his house.
Yesterday, he was laid to rest. Everything happened so fast. I found out that he was killed; saw him in the coffin (he didn’t look like him though it was him) before burial and watched as his grave was covered. All within 24 hours. The shock and confusion and unimaginable pain are hard to describe.
I think what I regret most was what I didn’t do when he was still alive. I wish I had spent more time with him. I hope that he knows that I truly cared for him and loved him in my own way. For 12 years, he was very expressive with me but for my own personal reasons, I wasn’t that way with him. Reasons that seem so silly right now. If he was around right now, I’d make sure that he knows just how much I care for him and it really sucks and hurts that I don’t have a chance to tell him all that now.
There are so many questions running through my mind. I wonder about his last moments. I hope he didn’t suffer. I keep wondering why and who killed him. Yesterday, I asked a friend whether killers still do normal stuff like eating and sleeping after they murder someone. I can’t believe that my friend is gone.
What do I do with all the texts and chats? There are some that are not so nice because we had disagreements. Some words that I wish I could take back. I don’t want to see them but at the same time, I can’t stop rereading everything that we said to each other.
I don’t know how to handle this? Wondering whether to visit his grave and tell him what is in my heart and mind????? I am just so lost right now.
I can’t think of him as being gone. In my mind, he is alive somewhere. Death and his name just don’t belong in the same sentence.
Death is so cruel. Rest in Peace John. I wish I had done more for you. We should have spent more time together. In one of your last texts, you said that you know that I do things for you from my heart. I hope that means that you knew that I cared for you even if I didn’t say those words. How silly was I not to tell you though?
I thought writing this post would make me feel better but honestly, it hasn’t. I don’t know how to make this right since it just feels like it is too late. Good bye my dear friend.
If I could get another chance
Another walk
Another dance with him
I’d play a song that would never ever end
How I’d love love love
To dance with my friend again.
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